‘It is almost impossible to convey just how vulnerable I was as an adult. I had layers of different and repeated unhealed trauma. Today I still have chronic conditions that won’t go away. Complex post traumatic stress disorder, dissociation, deep emotional pain, depression, chronic physical pain and fatigue, anxiety, panic, low self esteem, eating disorder.
It is so difficult to find people who understand. My experiences make me very lonely. However, I am also stronger than most people would ever know. People who are empowering, kind, and are willing to journey with me and get to know me help.
What would I say to those who say I could have escaped earlier or simply walked away?
Apart from the fact that there was nowhere and no-one to turn to, escape is not even something I knew about! That would never even have occurred to me. Incest and brainswahing taught me to cope with the situation as my only option. Endure and survive. Incest taught me that I was trapped. Do you know about the effects of incest, abuse, rape, trauma, undue influence, psychological control? Being brainwahsed stopped me from thinking critically for myself. I had recently been brainwashed and forced through constant pressure, repetitive abuse and totalistic control of the environment to be compliant and “agree” with people I did not agree with. I became a different person, someone I‘m not. It takes time and space to come back, it was like I was buried alive, it takes time to get hold of a bit of the real me again, to find my voice which was buried twice, once because of incest, and the second time by being totally buried when I was brainwashed.
Now I am free to think, feel and say what I want. I am free to believe in and to trust myself. I was told by the people who brainwashed me that I wasn’t capable of knowing what I needed or of making my own decisions about my life and that I would die without them. I understand their control techniques and I have learnt that I can trust and believe in myself. I won’t get brainwashed again!
Although I still consider myself a vulnerable person, predators don’t circle around me like vultures anymore; my life is not out of control and taken over by anyone for a long time and I have a much better chance of keeping it that way. I am safe now and life can even be very good at times, though it is usually very difficult.
What gives me hope? Inspiring women. Fighting back. Speaking up!
To a woman who is trapped in a way of living or cycle of abuse I would say: You matter! You are precious! There are kind, supportive, safe people. Listen to and trust yourself to know who they are. Kindness is very healing and goes a very long way.